Its that proson inside of me thats gone the proson i love is gone i wont her back that is why i am so mest up i am empty that prson that love eveyone and eveything the one that wanted the family to gether has given up and donesed care about anything. i care just anuf not to hurt my kids but in the long run i am what a fuck up i am a selfish bitch everyone else happyness hurts me to.
I AM SO SORRY

happy

I need to be happy i am sick of this being unhappy what am i to do.If i make myself happy EVERYONE else will be mad at me and i will loss a lot of family but i am not even sure that is what i want i am always doing that thinking i want something but in the end i don't. I need help i need i Barack to no what to do were to go from here. This cant be life if it is i hate it and would rather be died.

when

when is to much. to me to much was 2 or 3 months ago is the eg ever going to come because i cant take anymore but we have no chooses in life and i am sick of it will i guess we have some chooses it just to later that u see them. i hate my fucking life and i cant do fuck all about it fuck the world and everyone in it. i am trying one more thing to nite and if it don't work i am done.

ansers

Everyone has let me down including myself. Tomorrow is the day we find out what is happening i don't think its going to be good i am mad and scared Scott has broth to much to this marriage and i cant take anymore i am no better for him because of all this i am shitting on him I CANT FUCKING TAKE ANYMORE. His fucking kid his fucking X it wouldn't be so hard if he would do it the eze way well the eze way for me FUCK i am done. I hate this life i hate this world I hate fucking Evey thing fucking people are so fucking dum including me fuck em fuck them all i don't care that my husband is hurting cuz i am to i am sick of helping him thought it i need the help thought it i need help ....................... Evey fucking day i have something new to worry about i want my old life back i want to be somewhere were it doest hurt anymore i need to stop feeling used why do it feel bad for thing i shouldn't? why do i not feel bad for thing i should? There is something about Men that fuck me up i have gilt or something i just want to be me NO questions asked why is that sash a problem?

sunshine

I am happier that the sun is out. I think i found out why i think money is so important [cuz it is] No my mom and dad always gave us money when we were sad intruble if anything bad were to happen we got money, it fixes everything right? well got to go get the kid from school.

Ok bye

I think this maybe my problem My husband and my family. I am sick of having to remember EVERYTHING the baby crys What DO U do? You need to go to the store and the money is in the saving WHAT DO U do? Wheres my bank card I don't no where did u put it? On top of it I have to do everything for the kids and when i ask him to do it how do i do this how do i do this what should i feed them like fuck do u what me to take a shit for you. O and then i say this to him in a nice way and i get the well you do this and you do this every time i say anything Time to grow up fuck head. I ant prefect but fuck I could do better with the kids but do you need to fix yourself be for you fix everyone else. i think i am going to leave him then i only have to do it part time. if not i am running away.

Well

What else can go wrong I thought i was doing pretty good at staying happy. Now the stroller got stolon and are Bran new tent we just bot. I am more pissed at the stroller I cant afford a new one so what am i going to take the kids to school in on top of it i cant even go to get food for the house. I am going to be a low class person for the rest of my life there is no point i am going to be no well fair when i am 60 cuz i cant save money for my retirement so on top of being old i am going to have to suffer with money i should just kill my self now, so i can remember the good time i had cuz there ant going to be anymore this life ant wroth it. Is there any point to trying :( If anyone one has info on what i can do with my kids please leave a message I just don't have anymore fight in me

O my God

If there was anyway to know what being a mom was before i did it There would be NO way in Hell that i would have ever have do it. How can I keep doing this to myself and them i am dead in side I hate them and myself. There is nothing i can say to them to get them to lison what do i do I have tryed to put them in time out well you cant put an 8 month old i time out but the 4 year old will not lison to anything we tryed time out and treats ex i don't have anything left to give to them i am tired. and how do I give up and Scott want let me give them away and i don't no who to give them to how to give them to someone. I don't care what anyone think anymore they need to go i have have done all i can Its not far to them they need someone that has the strength for this and the money.
I AM SORRY GOD HELP ME if there is know

Thinking

i have been thinking when we move to are new house [that is when we buy one] i cant take Paitin out of school that is not fare to her. What am i going to do? I want to buy a house out of the city [mom and dad mite help] the poor kid is all ready so sad and lonely and i don't know what to do. it hurt not to no how to help you now kid. she is so smart but way to hippier. we got to take her to a specialist but we don't have the money i hope Scott's work thing will cover it.
Money is the rote to all evil and we cant do shit about it. we are drawing in bills.

i had a !!!

Well i have been thinking, What if Scott wasn't here tomorrow or the kids for that mater i need to find something to keep me Com i don't want the last thing that they think of to be nasty. i do love my family so much i want happy times for all of us. i know its going to be heard at first but i got to try. and i need Scott to don't the things he needs to do for this family or we are going to fall apart. take Advent of this life and what it has to offer us the good things, like summer camping [for Scott] hockey and paitin for her her friends and the park.

i don't know how to i just got to stay in this state of mind..

Fuck

I love my husband but fuck why does he not get it some days. i am home all day with these 2 evil little things that never STOP. I cant breath he is out in a truck all day and then hes go out when i really need him here i need time to....................fuck..................... Just thinking about being BY MY SELF for 30 min kiss me fuck him and sfjkafjklasefjk; i cant take it me time please. why cant he get it. i would love to do his job drive around all day dropping shit off not have to here 2 kids at alllll why cant that be me. I just want to quit tell everyone to go fuck them self. YA Now the baby is sleeping and its to Early so she want sleep good to night. fuck . he could not were my shoe for a day pussy nut bitch

what is wrong with me

Will the day come when i know what i want? And not hate that i am not prefect. I keep looking to the next day and saying that it will be ok tomorrow and it never comes, making up reason for why i feel this way and saying i was never this bad. I dont even remember anymore who and what i am or was.
This is the only place i can say that i am not here in my mind i dint eisit. Its like i keep asking for help and it never comes what can anyone do, i know its got to be me that fixes it but i don't no what it is that need to be fixed.

Running into corners
Down the corridors of time
In search of happiness
Sorrow was found
All alone bruised and battered
Broken hearts smashed and shattered
She love the dreams in which she doesn't wake
To forget the needles and agony
In dreams she embraces the sunshine
Awoken she dreads the light of day
She tries to hide it
But the sadness remains in her eyes
Nobody sees it, nobody tries
But day to day it's killing her inside
She holds her head up high
With her friends, she's all smiles and laughter
When she is all alone at night
She cries herself to sleep
Despite the valley of tears
She cannot feel any better
Like the lonely winter tree
With outstretched branches with never any leaves
She is but a lonely soul with lonely smiles
Looking away trying to hide
Her outstretched teary eyes

I found this it ant mine but it fites me this is me

I dont exist

Well this is one of those days. ware i hate everything i hate these days. Today, kid are sucking the life out of me, Know time for myself not that that maters because i hate myself. Why my i always so up and down? I have to take the kids to the Dr today.
Now these stupid cats the are so nasty there is always cat hair everywhere one of them gets sick all the time and one shits on the floor i never feel or look clean because of that fucking cat hair.
now my house no one ever picks up after them self when people come over they leave there cups every ware and my husband will neglect the things he needs to do, so i give up. When will something go my way when i try everyone comes to mom mommy mom and how do i were is if i go out i get like 5 phone calls. I DON'T EXIST.

Mail prize?

Well i got a thing in the mail saying i could win $500,000.00. I have never had anything to do with The Reader`s Digest Association. So how did they know my name and my address? Has anyone else got this in the mail? And could i win that it would be sweet we need that for the kids. Anyways Danielle is nuts today i think her teeth are really bugging her. Paitin stayed at my moms list night it was nice to not wake up to all her talking. But i didn't get any more sleep Danielle wanted to sleep with us all night. I cant what till the summer i hope it will be a good summer.

looking

I started one of these less then a week ago and i cant open it. so here we are. i am so tired Danielle kept me up for a lot of the night. But over all i have been pretty good for a couple days. I wish Paitin would be at school for longer then 3:1/2 hr well it want be bad when its warm out but going in the cold sucks. Does everyone want more then they have. What is the meaning of life? I am looking for something and i dont even know what it is or were to look for it.