O my God

If there was anyway to know what being a mom was before i did it There would be NO way in Hell that i would have ever have do it. How can I keep doing this to myself and them i am dead in side I hate them and myself. There is nothing i can say to them to get them to lison what do i do I have tryed to put them in time out well you cant put an 8 month old i time out but the 4 year old will not lison to anything we tryed time out and treats ex i don't have anything left to give to them i am tired. and how do I give up and Scott want let me give them away and i don't no who to give them to how to give them to someone. I don't care what anyone think anymore they need to go i have have done all i can Its not far to them they need someone that has the strength for this and the money.
I AM SORRY GOD HELP ME if there is know

Thinking

i have been thinking when we move to are new house [that is when we buy one] i cant take Paitin out of school that is not fare to her. What am i going to do? I want to buy a house out of the city [mom and dad mite help] the poor kid is all ready so sad and lonely and i don't know what to do. it hurt not to no how to help you now kid. she is so smart but way to hippier. we got to take her to a specialist but we don't have the money i hope Scott's work thing will cover it.
Money is the rote to all evil and we cant do shit about it. we are drawing in bills.

i had a !!!

Well i have been thinking, What if Scott wasn't here tomorrow or the kids for that mater i need to find something to keep me Com i don't want the last thing that they think of to be nasty. i do love my family so much i want happy times for all of us. i know its going to be heard at first but i got to try. and i need Scott to don't the things he needs to do for this family or we are going to fall apart. take Advent of this life and what it has to offer us the good things, like summer camping [for Scott] hockey and paitin for her her friends and the park.

i don't know how to i just got to stay in this state of mind..

Fuck

I love my husband but fuck why does he not get it some days. i am home all day with these 2 evil little things that never STOP. I cant breath he is out in a truck all day and then hes go out when i really need him here i need time to....................fuck..................... Just thinking about being BY MY SELF for 30 min kiss me fuck him and sfjkafjklasefjk; i cant take it me time please. why cant he get it. i would love to do his job drive around all day dropping shit off not have to here 2 kids at alllll why cant that be me. I just want to quit tell everyone to go fuck them self. YA Now the baby is sleeping and its to Early so she want sleep good to night. fuck . he could not were my shoe for a day pussy nut bitch

what is wrong with me

Will the day come when i know what i want? And not hate that i am not prefect. I keep looking to the next day and saying that it will be ok tomorrow and it never comes, making up reason for why i feel this way and saying i was never this bad. I dont even remember anymore who and what i am or was.
This is the only place i can say that i am not here in my mind i dint eisit. Its like i keep asking for help and it never comes what can anyone do, i know its got to be me that fixes it but i don't no what it is that need to be fixed.

Running into corners
Down the corridors of time
In search of happiness
Sorrow was found
All alone bruised and battered
Broken hearts smashed and shattered
She love the dreams in which she doesn't wake
To forget the needles and agony
In dreams she embraces the sunshine
Awoken she dreads the light of day
She tries to hide it
But the sadness remains in her eyes
Nobody sees it, nobody tries
But day to day it's killing her inside
She holds her head up high
With her friends, she's all smiles and laughter
When she is all alone at night
She cries herself to sleep
Despite the valley of tears
She cannot feel any better
Like the lonely winter tree
With outstretched branches with never any leaves
She is but a lonely soul with lonely smiles
Looking away trying to hide
Her outstretched teary eyes

I found this it ant mine but it fites me this is me

I dont exist

Well this is one of those days. ware i hate everything i hate these days. Today, kid are sucking the life out of me, Know time for myself not that that maters because i hate myself. Why my i always so up and down? I have to take the kids to the Dr today.
Now these stupid cats the are so nasty there is always cat hair everywhere one of them gets sick all the time and one shits on the floor i never feel or look clean because of that fucking cat hair.
now my house no one ever picks up after them self when people come over they leave there cups every ware and my husband will neglect the things he needs to do, so i give up. When will something go my way when i try everyone comes to mom mommy mom and how do i were is if i go out i get like 5 phone calls. I DON'T EXIST.

Mail prize?

Well i got a thing in the mail saying i could win $500,000.00. I have never had anything to do with The Reader`s Digest Association. So how did they know my name and my address? Has anyone else got this in the mail? And could i win that it would be sweet we need that for the kids. Anyways Danielle is nuts today i think her teeth are really bugging her. Paitin stayed at my moms list night it was nice to not wake up to all her talking. But i didn't get any more sleep Danielle wanted to sleep with us all night. I cant what till the summer i hope it will be a good summer.

looking

I started one of these less then a week ago and i cant open it. so here we are. i am so tired Danielle kept me up for a lot of the night. But over all i have been pretty good for a couple days. I wish Paitin would be at school for longer then 3:1/2 hr well it want be bad when its warm out but going in the cold sucks. Does everyone want more then they have. What is the meaning of life? I am looking for something and i dont even know what it is or were to look for it.